Skip to main content

I Scratch (My Head)

I scratch my head, but not much else.  People don't really give a damn about records anymore…and if they do…they are pretty much retarded.  They hate technology because they are bored.  Technology is for making life easier, but suddenly the world has decided that some things have been made too easy.  Many would rather waste their time doing a simple thing in a difficult way because it makes them feel as if they have…talent.

I'm a purist.  I'm keeping it old school.  That is why I use a rotary phone like in the old days.  If you don't use a rotary phone then you are just a poser that pushes buttons to get the same effect in a more efficient way.  How dare you…with your fancy lit up buttons.  Don't you know that rotary phones sound better and make you a real caller?

The humor is lost and half of the readers focus on the fact that it's not PC to say "retarded" in the year of their lord, 2014.  I have a weak defense, "I only use that word when I'm talking about friends and enemies."  Not one person seems to care about the context, they only care about the golden opportunity to correct me and point me out as evil, with my buttons and my non-PC comments.  I make the devil himself look like an overzealous crossing guard that shows up 15 minutes early to work every day.

How dare you rock a party with just a few items that fit neatly into a backpack and get paid the same money as I do when I lug a bunch of heavy, outdated crap across three parking lots because the nearest parking lot is full.  It cost me five dollars to park and they don't even commit to preventing the vandalism of my vehicle.  I could get mugged after the gig…maybe 20 years ago, when my outdated gear was actually worth something. 

I scratch my head, "Tell me more about this twerking music that you keep aggressively requesting after I have repeatedly told you that I don't have any".  You don't care.  You want me to risk crashing my DJ software and clearing the dance floor by downloading your stupid song because for some strange reason you think you own the venue even though you never tip the bartender and your breath smells like a dog's rear end.  Security comes by, "Is this guy bothering you, DJ?"  I pause, "Why yes…actually he is.  I'm very upset.  Could you remove him please?  I couldn't hear him that well over the music, but I do believe he threatened me."  It was a lie, but I so desperately needed a lie for my night to go smoothly.

It's like smashing a roach in a ghetto apartment; you smash one and another comes crawling up right behind it.  "Why don't you have any turntables?"  I don't have any turntables because you don't belong here…you belong over there at the bar with that ugly woman you brought into our fine establishment.  It's going to take him at least two shots and four beers to make her pretty.  Ok, maybe not pretty, but do-able.

"Sorry I haven't been to any of your DJ gigs".  Don't be sorry.  I don't want you at my DJ gigs…you're 50!  You should be at home rubbing ointments on your joints and thumbing through photo albums stocked full of pictures of you when you were still skinny.  I know, I know…you used to be a DJ back in the 1800's and every thing was better then.  Guess who cares?  Not me.  So hop back into your horse drawn carriage and go back to castle numbskull before anyone realizes you're missing.

I'm not that supercilious and head scratching is said to be an indicator of low level intelligence, but wasn't that fun to read?


Popular posts from this blog

Treacherous Human Underdogs LIVE @ Shlafly Tap Room

DJ Leon Lamon't s Crate Confessions #6

Dear followers,
It’s literally been a month since my last Crate Confession.  I make no apologies because life happens and MFs get busy.  I’m not hating or being salty, I’m just saying.  Anyway, children, uncle Leo is going to take you way back and, since it’s been a minute, do more than one track for this confession session.
1. Reflections - Diana Ross & The Supremes

I grew up on Motown music because my parents are huge fans and my dad is straight up borderline fanatical when it comes to Motown music.  My dad has the popular Motown stuff and the obscure Motown stuff.  Example: If it weren’t for my dad, I wouldn’t have known that Tommy Chong of the famous Cheech & Chong was a musician that put out a record on Motown before becoming a famous comedian.  That being said, I’ve yet to hear a Motown track that I didn’t like.  Reflections, like so many other Motown songs, has amazing song structure and chord choices (things I knew nothing about when I first heard the song as a kid). …

Beginner DJs and Buying Gear

A question I am asked often by beginner DJs is, “What gear should I start off with?”  This is a tough question because the answer depends on what type of DJ-ing you are doing and where you have visually projected yourself in the future.  The first question I have is, “Are you DJ-ing for fun or for money?”

If you are DJ-ing just for fun, then your choice of gear is irrelevant.If fun truly is the name of your game the options are many.There exists facial recognition software that enables you to use your face as a MIDI controller, there are ways to hack into your Xbox Kinect so that your whole body can be used as a MIDI controller, and there are countless new desktop controllers coming out everyday for computer DJ software.Then there are the practically outmoded CD players.Of course there is also the wagon wheel of DJ technology…the turntable.It’s really just a matter of preference and what level of frustration you want to experience while learning to DJ.The quick of it is: Software = fas…