Skip to main content

Ferguson Fried Rice by Leon Lamont

Yes, that's right.  It's safe for all of you American, racist a**holes to come back to my humble Chop Suey in Ferguson.  "Hello?  Yes, this is Ferguson Fried Rice, how may I help you?"  Stupid racist pricks.  I'm not Chinese, I'm f**king Korean!  But you don't care do you?  Especially you black Americans…everybody is fucking Chinese to you…even the Mexicans.  Nobody asked me how I felt about racism when the riots happened.  No sir ree Bob.  Just "make us some rice, Mr. Chinaman".  News people came into my place and it was like I was invisible and didn't have a voice or opinion about what was going on in Ferguson.  Who knows racism better than me?  I deal with it every stinking day.  Imagine if you were a black man and you ran a Mexican food place…not because you are Mexican, but because all of the racist people around you THINK you are Mexican and will buy your food because of it.  You could correct them or you can make money.  Personally, I like money.  If they see anyone with slanted eyes behind the counter they are convinced they are getting authentic Chinese food from the "Chinaman" himself…but like I said…I'm Korean.  Buy a map you racist dick heads!  Oh, and by the way, calling me "Chinaman" is totally f**king racist…especially since I'm not f**king Chinese!

You wanna know where I was born?  Right here in Ferguson, MO.  Yeah, that's right…just like you and your dumb ass racist friends.  Nobody gives a f**k about my daily struggle with racism…they just want a box of burnt up rice.  They don't  know any better.  If they went to China and tried to find a St. Paul sandwich it would be like trying to find a f**king unicorn in East St. Louis…not…going…to happen.  Do you a**holes really want to know what Chop Suey means?  It roughly translates to "garbage".  That's right…I'm selling you hot garbage and making a killing because you people are too racist and stupid to know the difference.  Go ahead, call me "Chinaman" all you want.  This Korean business man just made forty three dollars by selling you $3.88 worth of groceries mixed up together.  How am I able to do this?  By facilitating racism.  You want to see a real live racist joke that doesn't need words?  Go down to Little Caesars pizza.  It's burnt to a crisp.  Look across the street and you'll see Popeye's chicken.  Not a single scratch on  the Popeye's chicken building.  Hilarious.    

St. Paul sandwich…hah!  You idiots.  It is nothing but a mere egg sandwich between two pieces of cheap, white bread.  Possibly the easiest and cheapest thing to make on the whole planet.  I throw some mayonnaise and a couple chopped up pieces of lunch meat in the mix and you idiots think you're living the dream.  Cost to make?  Twenty five cents.  What I charge you?  Four dollars and seventy five cents.  For you slow ones, that's like a thousand times profit or something.  I've been to China and I've eaten Chinese food…and guess what?  What I'm selling you is not Chinese food.  Most of the stuff I sell you…I wouldn't even give to a lifelong enemy.  I wouldn't lose one wink of sleep if you dropped dead in the middle of while you were eating it, you racist, insensitive bastards.  Wait…I think I hear the telephone.  "Yes, Ferguson Fried Rice!  How may I help you?"  I pretend to not speak English well because you racist a**holes like that sh*t.  For some reason, if I talk all f**ked up you idiots think it means the food is better.  I would talk more, but I have a business to run.  Oops.  I mean, ahem, "No can talk!  Must run business!  You no eat…you get out!"





*Disclaimer*  Ferguson Fried Rice is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes and is not a real business in Ferguson, MO.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Treacherous Human Underdogs LIVE @ Shlafly Tap Room

Beginner DJs and Buying Gear

A question I am asked often by beginner DJs is, “What gear should I start off with?”  This is a tough question because the answer depends on what type of DJ-ing you are doing and where you have visually projected yourself in the future.  The first question I have is, “Are you DJ-ing for fun or for money?”


If you are DJ-ing just for fun, then your choice of gear is irrelevant.If fun truly is the name of your game the options are many.There exists facial recognition software that enables you to use your face as a MIDI controller, there are ways to hack into your Xbox Kinect so that your whole body can be used as a MIDI controller, and there are countless new desktop controllers coming out everyday for computer DJ software.Then there are the practically outmoded CD players.Of course there is also the wagon wheel of DJ technology…the turntable.It’s really just a matter of preference and what level of frustration you want to experience while learning to DJ.The quick of it is: Software = fas…

DJ Leon Lamon't s Crate Confessions #6

Dear followers,
It’s literally been a month since my last Crate Confession.  I make no apologies because life happens and MFs get busy.  I’m not hating or being salty, I’m just saying.  Anyway, children, uncle Leo is going to take you way back and, since it’s been a minute, do more than one track for this confession session.
1. Reflections - Diana Ross & The Supremes

I grew up on Motown music because my parents are huge fans and my dad is straight up borderline fanatical when it comes to Motown music.  My dad has the popular Motown stuff and the obscure Motown stuff.  Example: If it weren’t for my dad, I wouldn’t have known that Tommy Chong of the famous Cheech & Chong was a musician that put out a record on Motown before becoming a famous comedian.  That being said, I’ve yet to hear a Motown track that I didn’t like.  Reflections, like so many other Motown songs, has amazing song structure and chord choices (things I knew nothing about when I first heard the song as a kid). …