Ferguson Fried Rice by Leon Lamont
Yes, that's right. It's safe for all of you American, racist a**holes to come back to my humble Chop Suey in Ferguson. "Hello? Yes, this is Ferguson Fried Rice, how may I help you?" Stupid racist pricks. I'm not Chinese, I'm f**king Korean! But you don't care do you? Especially you black Americans…everybody is fucking Chinese to you…even the Mexicans. Nobody asked me how I felt about racism when the riots happened. No sir ree Bob. Just "make us some rice, Mr. Chinaman". News people came into my place and it was like I was invisible and didn't have a voice or opinion about what was going on in Ferguson. Who knows racism better than me? I deal with it every stinking day. Imagine if you were a black man and you ran a Mexican food place…not because you are Mexican, but because all of the racist people around you THINK you are Mexican and will buy your food because of it. You could correct them or you can make money. Personally, I like money. If they see anyone with slanted eyes behind the counter they are convinced they are getting authentic Chinese food from the "Chinaman" himself…but like I said…I'm Korean. Buy a map you racist dick heads! Oh, and by the way, calling me "Chinaman" is totally f**king racist…especially since I'm not f**king Chinese!
You wanna know where I was born? Right here in Ferguson, MO. Yeah, that's right…just like you and your dumb ass racist friends. Nobody gives a f**k about my daily struggle with racism…they just want a box of burnt up rice. They don't know any better. If they went to China and tried to find a St. Paul sandwich it would be like trying to find a f**king unicorn in East St. Louis…not…going…to happen. Do you a**holes really want to know what Chop Suey means? It roughly translates to "garbage". That's right…I'm selling you hot garbage and making a killing because you people are too racist and stupid to know the difference. Go ahead, call me "Chinaman" all you want. This Korean business man just made forty three dollars by selling you $3.88 worth of groceries mixed up together. How am I able to do this? By facilitating racism. You want to see a real live racist joke that doesn't need words? Go down to Little Caesars pizza. It's burnt to a crisp. Look across the street and you'll see Popeye's chicken. Not a single scratch on the Popeye's chicken building. Hilarious.
St. Paul sandwich…hah! You idiots. It is nothing but a mere egg sandwich between two pieces of cheap, white bread. Possibly the easiest and cheapest thing to make on the whole planet. I throw some mayonnaise and a couple chopped up pieces of lunch meat in the mix and you idiots think you're living the dream. Cost to make? Twenty five cents. What I charge you? Four dollars and seventy five cents. For you slow ones, that's like a thousand times profit or something. I've been to China and I've eaten Chinese food…and guess what? What I'm selling you is not Chinese food. Most of the stuff I sell you…I wouldn't even give to a lifelong enemy. I wouldn't lose one wink of sleep if you dropped dead in the middle of while you were eating it, you racist, insensitive bastards. Wait…I think I hear the telephone. "Yes, Ferguson Fried Rice! How may I help you?" I pretend to not speak English well because you racist a**holes like that sh*t. For some reason, if I talk all f**ked up you idiots think it means the food is better. I would talk more, but I have a business to run. Oops. I mean, ahem, "No can talk! Must run business! You no eat…you get out!"
*Disclaimer* Ferguson Fried Rice is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes and is not a real business in Ferguson, MO.